Moments do overwhelm at length sometimes. An example would be this evening, where I am feeling a little lost and uncertain (actually, greatly uncertain) about how my research shall go, delving into something totally unfamiliar, doctrinally-speaking, and throwing into the jumbled mix: the responsibility, indeed the privilege, of being a good witness and testimony to the Gospel at school (in all honesty, I do find it hard), and having wisdom to set aside time, indeed prioritize time, for the dozen opportunities to evangelize in word and action (how could one turn down a gracious invitation to another’s home for dumpling-making amidst Q-n-A with all that she’s been learning at church?)… All these which take place together, at one go, simultaneous, relentless.
I think I had been slightly overwhelmed as I pondered these whilst walking home in the rain, my mind wandering off-topic whilst I tried hard to keep focused on my conversations. Lost I had been, lost in the rain.
It had therefore been lovely, and for this I am very thankful, to have dear Naomi patiently listen as I spoke of my thoughts, as she reminded me of several practicalities, to “do the next thing”, and indeed that I might simply be conjuring worries out of thin air. I am thankful for Noms. I definitely, definitely am. This, peppered with conversations which hover in-between cooking, wifi (yes), friendships and indeed, how to plan time with God in mind.
And then, to have Aunty BK unexpectedly reply my late-night text about going over to her place on Friday to talk through the concerns of the year. She had even offered to drive me up! I hadn’t expected it at all – just simply amazed, that I as had been pondering in the shower why she had come to my mind and indeed if I should even bother her at all… She replied, at an insanely late hour for a mom (I think I generally have the impressions that moms all sleep early, with the same bedtime as their young children 😀 ) that she had been honoured to receive a message (humble lady indeed!) and would gladly meet with me.
Amazed. In various ways and amidst all these, I was reminded that the First Person to turn to should always and always be God Himself. For whilst I am lost (and might just continue to be), I take comfort knowing that He has a Sovereign reason for where He has placed me, and all He desires is for me to run to Him, take His hand.
I am lost, but it is a safe place I am lost in,
And for this, I am thankful.
A 4-hour long discussion awaits tomorrow morning, but His grace shall cover me.
I trust Him.
“With Thee is the fountain of life.”
— Psalm 36:9
“There are times in our spiritual experience when human counsel or sympathy, or religious ordinances, fail to comfort or help us. Why does our gracious God permit this? Perhaps it is because we have been living too much without Him, and He therefore takes away everything upon which we have been in the habit of depending, that He may drive us to Himself. It is a blessed thing to live at the fountain head. While our skin- bottles are full, we are content, like Hagar and Ishmael, to go into the wilderness; but when those are dry, nothing will serve us but “Thou God seest me.” We are like the prodigal, we love the swine-troughs and forget our Father’s house. Remember, we can make swine-troughs and husks even out of the forms of religion; they are blessed things, but we may put them in God’s place, and then they are of no value. Anything becomes an idol when it keeps us away from God: even the brazen serpent is to be despised as “Nehushtan,” if we worship it instead of God. The prodigal was never safer than when he was driven to his father’s bosom, because he could find sustenance nowhere else. Our Lord favours us with a famine in the land that it may make us seek after himself the more. The best position for a Christian is living wholly and directly on God’s grace—still abiding where he stood at first—“Having nothing, and yet possessing all things.” Let us never for a moment think that our standing is in our sanctification, our mortification, our graces, or our feelings, but know that because Christ offered a full atonement, therefore we are saved; for we are complete in Him.
Having nothing of our own to trust to, but resting upon the merits of Jesus—His passion and holy life furnish us with the only sure ground of confidence. Beloved, when we are brought to a thirsting condition, we are sure to turn to the fountain of life with eagerness.”
– Charles Spurgeon, Evening Devotion, 16th October. (Timely!!!)